My story by Cactusgirl

My name is Cactusgirl and I am 31 years old, and although I do not have depression, I would like to share my story with others.

My boyfriend committed suicide on the 26th August this year, by taking about 50 of his anti-depressant tablets. I found him in the morning, laying on the mattress in the spare bedroom, blue, eyes open, and no sign of life.

I knew straight away how he had done it, even before the police found the empty packets of his medication in the bin in our kitchen. It must have been in the back of my mind that one day I would find him like this. He was 36 years old, and had been diagnosed with depression about 12 months ago, although I feel he had suffered this awful illness all of his life, after listening to his many sad stories.

We met on the Internet, in a chatroom. He was married and felt guilty that he had fallen for me. I, in no way encouraged him to leave his wife and 4 children, but he said he had to, he couldn't go on living a lie with her. He came down to meet me, and we both knew we were in love. He went back home, only to pack his stuff and to say goodbye to his family. It was hard on them, and him. He moved in with me in July, and we shared some very happy weeks together.

We made all sorts of plans for the future including a wedding day, but we never really spoke about his depression. I felt as if I shouldn't bring up the subject, and he never offered to talk it about it very much. But I knew he was feeling guilty about leaving his family. He knew what people were saying about him.

We had often spoke about the way we had to do the right things for everyone else in our lives before we had met, but now we were doing the right thing for ourselves. He was having a few problems with finding work, and was also going through a tough time with the separation and custody issues. He had come from interstate, so it was hard for him not to be able to see his children, and the phone calls were not enough, especially when they were officially limited to a Friday night only by a court order.

I guess in the end, my beloved couldn't stand the thought that he had done the wrong thing by everyone involved, even though he wanted me. I guess he couldn't stand the idea of waking up to another day of depression. I just wished my love for him could have rescued him from his despair, but he said to me once that love isn't enough sometimes.

I still blame myself for what happened. I went to our friend's party that night without him as he said he was feeling sick. I did not go into the spare room when I got home at 2.00, because I did not want to wake him up. I should have called from the party to check on him. But I guess he may have tried again another day if I had saved him.  

I have learnt heaps about depression since this event, and this site has helped me heaps. To all of you reading this and who have depression, I am so sorry that I cannot cure it for you, but please know I think of all you sufferers and I hope one day there will be a cure. God bless you all. I know my darling is at peace now, free from the thoughts that plagued his mind. He is my guardian angel.

Thank you for reading.

P.S My darling was taking Dothep70. It apparently is the worst drug for potential suicide. If only...