A letter to my daughter by Pa

Letter from a 63-year old Professor of Physics, with lifetime depressions, to a 39-year old successful overseas CEO daughter, likewise afflicted.

Dearest Girl,

I just came in from the tractor work - cutting the grass between the vines -  but I have been thinking about you all day - and whilst I was out there - tractoring - I thought that I should send you an e-mail. And then I thought - OK then - go in and do it now. So here I am.

We are so worried about you and wonder how to help. It is almost as hard to give advice as it often is to take it, and sometimes I have given advice and then it has proved to be wrong and that has made me quite miserable afterwards. Of course one often doesn't know when one has given good advice because it is rather rare for people to tell you. So I am not going to even try to give advice, but maybe try to talk you through some of my admittedly loose ideas. So - here goes.

Psychiatrists have taken an awful lot of money from me and I cannot identify a large number of things that have been useful. On the other hand, I guess I did learn from most of them that when the pressure is on you - from many different directions - and life is tough to handle - and complicated, then two things are a must. The first is not to make any major decisions! I know that sounds easy, whilst in fact it is very hard, because all of us have a whole spectrum of obligations and not infrequently they appear to want to be satisfied all at the same time. But when I am under pressure I know that frustration and the thought of being out of control, and even the thought of appearing the odd one out to other people drives me into exaggerating my little local scene to the point that one is not merely depressed but truly in terror! Well - I think their suggestion - don't make any major changes in your life until you feel better is good one. I am not just talking about relationships at work, or with one's partner, but with everything. What it means is that your body and mind are sending out signals of warning. You may still get more depressed and uncertain of self but I have found that it has helped me when I sit down on a park bench or something, and look at all the problems I have (or think I have), and when I recognise the overall signals I now know ABSOLUTELY, for me at least, that I must not make any major decisions. In fact, before I realized this simple little thing, I frequently made major decisions. And honestly, since many times it's either "do I choose this or do I choose that", then the stark reality is that there is a 50% chance of being wrong. In fact, for me, it has been more than 50%, since the impulsive side of me is a stupid side.

The other suggestion from the experts is to do all you can, right now, this minute and in the immediate future, to identify the places where all the individual pressures are REALLY coming from - not where you think they are coming from. This is still truly difficult for me to do - even though it sounds so simple - but I am slowly learning to handle things better, I think. I do know that if there is an entire ensemble of pressures (which often means doing things for other people) then what I am proposing is very hard indeed. There are deadlines, huge and fundamental issues - both personal and professional - and one finds oneself heading into a whole mess of things - and getting out of control. It is no coincidence that one begins - really - not only to feel unwell, but actually to be unwell. Signals - signals - signals! And we stupid human beings, for that is what we are at those times - cruise on in the belief that somehow the pressure will lift  - there is a long weekend coming up or something, or 'happy hour' will bring some ease for us. In fact I personally believe the good Lord invented alcohol as a natural tension softener for fast moving, depressive-tendency people like you and I, and I have used it a little throughout my later life in this way. On the other hand the good Lord is not a fool, so he also made quite sure that he labelled alcohol as a temptress - the usual battle - between good and evil. I am not sure he invented Prozac, Prothiaden, Xanax etc. - but then maybe my perception of these things is so shallow that I never will understand. I certainly know, however, that the medical profession has left me dependent on diazepams at least, and I still don't get a night's sleep, nor do any of these organic compounds - separate or mixed - help me get through either minor or major depressions. Nevertheless, one of the few things I am certain of is that, as I believe you feel now, you should insist to yourself that you will take as many pressures off yourself as soon as you can - both little ones and big ones. Signals, signals, signals! Hey, man, I NEED a rest!

Well - these are only a couple of suggestions. I am not smart enough (though getting smarter) to handle my own problems - real or imagined - so please don't label this as advice.

What can I suggest in more practical terms, because I am sure you can identify where your real pressures are coming from? Why not really take some time off? I don't mean make any big decision about your job, the people nearest to you at work, and the people nearest to you at home. I mean why not pick up our grandson (forget the missed schooling - he is too smart not to catch up rapidly) head for the airport and come and have a quiet week here. What do I mean about not making big decisions? I mean that spending a week here is only a little decision. [Just for once think about yourself and plan only for the rest of today.] But it is a decision which is certain to take all immediate pressures off you. You are not only a beautiful person but extremely sensible at base, and extraordinarily talented (it comes with the depression). But for sure your immediate reaction will be - I can't possibly do it - this has to be done, head office in New York will make a screw-up of this, the person who acts for me will mess things up totally, and your uppermost thought will be - this kind of decision is going to be a threat to my long term security with The Company - they are going to think what the hell is she doing, doesn't she realize that redundancies are threatening, and so on, and so on, and so on. But don't these insecure thoughts also spring from personal fatigue and frustration? Are you allowed compassionate leave? Tell them that your grandmother is dying! Well - she is isn't she? Not literally tomorrow of course (because we all are on a one-way path whether we like it or not). I have no moral problem with such a white lie. The end purpose is your own personal survival, and the fact is that you want to keep the status quo whilst taking the time out which you richly deserve - as your body and your brain keeps insisting. You need to look at life and reset the priority clock. You have needs yourself which must be satisfied. It is time to focus on yourself - my grandson will be around making his mark in the world long after you and I are gone.

In a strange sort of way you might find that your work colleagues will admire a swift decision which you can make, and when you make it. Life is very curious in this way.

Your Ma and I are fine, but we are also running through a difficult period of adjustment - not only to each other but to the ageing process. There can be little doubt that my depressions and moods are very hard for anyone to live with - so that is certainly one problem. In addition I am obsessive about my world of physics, my place in it, what I can still do etc. This is very selfish on my part and I must learn to change. One way or another your mother and I will figure it out - we always do. I recognize that each of us make problems not only for ourselves individually, but also for our relationship. Signals, signals, signals.

In this last week I had two manuscripts rejected. I am not happy about that, of course, but I should have learned by now that neither one's professional life nor one's personal life is a joyride. And it is probably the case with both these papers that the ideas will take a long time to be recognized. That's awfully presumptuous of me, I know, but I have been through it before.

I think you might also perhaps overestimate the harmonies which appear to exist in other people's relationships - certainly I do. But somewhere deep down I really don't believe in idyllic smooth and calm relationships. Nor do I believe in a planned life. How can one? It is necessary to test oneself regularly, and be prepared to be disappointed (definitely) with oneself. But never to give up the overall challenge.

Well - these are some random thoughts from an increasingly random (but increasingly loving) father. When under attack from all sides in many ways, and when trust and understanding fail you, go home for a while. There is plenty of love for you - for all of you - right here - in your home.

I myself have a problem in this general arena. I just can't seem to be able to show my real feelings and love in a normal tactile way. Your brother is the same. But the love and concern in each case are there!

I pray that you will find relief from all of these things. Just tell us what we can do to help!

I love you, little girl.

Pa