Jen.female

It is hard to know when it first began. As long as I can remember depression has been a part of my life. When I was a child I felt chronically shy, and guilty, always sensitive to any real (or imagined) criticism. I felt alone, and did not know express my sadness and anxiety. This mostly manifested itself in "pulling sickies" off school, or hiding in the bathroom crying. I never knew what was "wrong" with me, and blamed myself - thinking I was a bad person and that this was why I felt the way I did.

When I got to university I met some of my best friends, and started to see myself in a more positive light. I still had ups and downs, but my moods seemed more manageable. However once my degree was completed and I was flatting I met my first long term boyfriend. The first guy I fell in love with.

After 18 months our relationship fell apart. Although it was really no ones fault, I blamed myself - thinking if only I had been "better" in some way. It was round about this time I made my first suicide attempt. These attempts happened 2-3 times, before I realised I just wanted help. I wanted people to see how distressed I was. To let them know I could no longer cope. The reaction was mixed. My parents blamed themselves, they had no idea what clinical depression was. It was something so far removed from their own experience. Most of my friends were very supportive - Their support got me through some very low times. But probably the biggest help for me was anti-depressant medication. The first one I tried did not work for me, but then I was put on another. Within 6 weeks it had lifted me out of the dark well into which I had fallen.

I have been on and off anti-depressants for 7 years. I think I will be on them for the rest of my life. I have learnt many thing in this time. Things that help me to cope. They may help other people like me. Here is a list of the coping mechanisms I use -

1. Try not to self medicate with alcohol - it makes the depression so much worse.
2. Try to recognise the signs (of depression) early. The quicker you get on top of it the easier it is to cope. 
3. Tell some-one you trust how you are feeling, let them help you. 
4. Have a support network of friend's and family 
5. Find a doctor you like and who you trust. 
6. Remember that you won't always feel this way. 
7. Remember you are not alone, and however bad you feel there are so many people who have been there too. They understand and can support you.
   
8. Eat healthy food and exercise if you can. 
9. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones - even if you find it difficult to believe they are true at the time. You are a worthwhile person, and people do care about you. 
10. Every time you have a depressive episode you learn something new about yourself. Everytime you get stronger, you learn it is possible to carry on. You know that you have an illness, it is not a fault within yourself, your depression does not define you.