Caz/female/36

When I was 6 years old I was raped and sexually molested for an ongoing period of months by a trusted friend of my parents. The "incident" was never spoken about within the family and kept very hush hush. It wasn't until I was 28 years of age, that I spoke to my parents about what had happened. It turns out that when they found out what this man had done to me (albeit, months into the goings-on) my Father shifted my Mum, my sister and I to Australia, my Dad came later when he was able to get a transfer with his job. Of course, I didn't know this, as it was never explained or spoken about, and I spent the following 22 years (until I was 28) hating my parents more and more for not protecting me against this monster. Rejection and misplaced trust.

When I was 16, my parents cashed in my college-fund money and went overseas with it. They left me with my Auntie and Uncle for 6 months, who were about 10 years older than me. My Uncle was constantly trying to touch me and would conveniently be near the bathroom when I came out of the shower. When he picked me up from my school dance and put his arms around me and tried to kiss me, I ran away from there. He made me feel so sick and he disgusted me. Two weeks after I ran away from my Aunties place, my parents came home. No-one would speak to me. Yet again I was in the bad books, but at least it was a familiar feeling!! At this time I also left school. I hadn't yet finished Year 11, and had so much potential, but with my college fund gone and the prospect of moving again and starting at yet another school, I considered school as a bad joke.

When I was 16, my parents cashed in my college-fund money and went overseas with it. They left me with my Auntie and Uncle for 6 months, who were about 10 years older than me. My Uncle was constantly trying to touch me and would conveniently be near the bathroom when I came out of the shower. When he picked me up from my school dance and put his arms around me and tried to kiss me, I ran away from there. He made me feel so sick and he disgusted me. Two weeks after I ran away from my Aunties place, my parents came home. No-one would speak to me. Yet again I was in the bad books, but at least it was a familiar feeling!! At this time I also left school. I hadn't yet finished Year 11, and had so much potential, but with my college fund gone and the prospect of moving again and starting at yet another school, I considered school as a bad joke.

At 17 I met a guy who was in a bikie group, we moved in together, and although he was in jail a lot of the time, we managed to stay together for 3 years. Being in a bikie group fed my need to rebel. The anger and hatred towards society grew. I went into heavier drugs, and my walls became stronger, thicker and more difficult for others to penetrate. By this time I was someone you didn't want to look sideways at, if you valued your own life at all. On the outside I was one tough cookie, but inside I was craving for human affection, acceptance and approval...the same old things that I only ever wanted from my Dad!!

At 20 I found out I was pregnant. I was as scared as hell.. and ANGRY!!! I couldn't look after myself, how the hell could I look after another little person? But, when I made the decision to keep my baby, I also decided to come down off the drugs and alcohol cold-turkey, leave the bikie group, my friends and start anew.

I was going to give this little baby everything that I myself never had. I cleaned my act up, got myself a decent job, sold my motor-bike and got a car and a nice place to live. My sons Father (whom Id only been dating for a couple of months) wanted nothing to do with his child, and was nowhere to be found when the signing of the birth certificate was to happen. So Nathan's Father is recorded as "unknown". Fifteen years later and we have never heard a word from him or received support of any type.

I don't know what my future holds, but I do know, that at the age of 36, I am finally beginning to understand a lot of things about my life. I have a great desire for things to change. And I crave happiness. I've learnt to accept the things I cant change, the things in the past, and I really really want to move forwards to something better than all this.

I'm starting to break down my carefully built wall, and reach out to others. This I know I need to do in stages, and there will be times, like right now, when I'll retreat back when familiar demons come back to haunt me. But I'm also determined to chink away at the walls little bit by little bit. Because I want SO MUCH, to get better. I don't want to be sick anymore!! I want to be a whole, and productive and worthwhile human being. I WANT TO BE ME!!