AJ/female/31

I write this to you all at 3:28am on a Saturday morning, I am suffering a bout of insomnia it seems...

Hi everyone, my name is AJ and I am 31 years old, married, a mother of 1 and the sole breadwinner, AND... I suffer depression.

This is my 4th significant depressive episode, the first being in my mid teens when I fell into a spiral of anorexia, followed by years of bulimia and depression. I was medicated at that period for 4, nearly 5 years consistently, and I remember taking prothiaden by the handful... I had nearly 6 years of psychotherapy too. I also remember nights of banging my head against walls, crying inconsolably and causing my parents to cry uncontrollably as well.

When I finally pulled myself out of that darkness and stopped trying to be someone I wasn't I met the man who was to become (years later) my husband. He was a boon to my self-esteem, telling me how beautiful I was doing the sweetest things, like brushing my hair for hours... But hey, guess what? He was depressed, dropped out of uni, cut himself off from a demanding family and ultimately ran away for 6 months.

Well, he did return and I survived his absence by driving friends insane, but not falling into a complete heap! We moved in together, had some happy times and a few not so happy ones (mostly cash-flow related!). Then in 1995 we finally got married, a beautiful day, we both were so happy, I thought it was the happiest day of my life. However that came just over a year later when our daughter was born, my husband told me then how proud he was of me and how strong I was.. a special moment.

There I was thinking "this is the best thing that has happened to me, I am a mum and my baby is perfect, life is good..." This wasn't to last long, unfortunately. My daughter had great trouble feeding and I was deep down very nervous about being a mother (I had virtually no prior contact with babies, my husband knew how to change nappies etc, not me!).

Over the first month I became more and more edgy and convinced that I was not a fit mother, I was hopeless, and everyone was saying it. I couldn't cope being with my daughter and yet I couldn't cope being apart from her. My husband was strong and he did help a lot (he was not working at the time) but, his ability to take it all in his stride made me feel even more inadequate. Finally I gave up on the breastfeeding and thought that it would all get easier, but then sleeping became a major issue (or her not sleeping..lol!) My parents tried to help by giving me and my husband time out, taking care of our daughter, I can remember an occasion when we went out and left her with them, and upon returning I burst into tears, I was terrified to take her home. Of course I was suffering postnatal depression! I dragged myself through this round with no medication though, and just the occasional chat with my GP.

Move on to episode 3, I am sure I am boring you now, but I can't stop the words! Fast-forward a year and a half, my husband is working full time, I am back at work casually (working up to 30 hours a week). I work in hospitality so I have to endure shift work, which really does mess your body up, but the money is good and it is a means to an end. Anyway, my husband and I are not getting along too well, he is miserable and no matter how I try to help and try and find out what is wrong, he is uncommunicative. Finally all is revealed, he hates his job, can't deal with it any more and really wants to resign. Naturally my first instinct is to panic, and tell him that he can't we need the money, etc etc.. To this day I am still being punished for that

I didn't really receive the help I needed then, I was put on zoloft for a period, but no follow up was really pursued by the hospitals, my doctors or anyone. We swept it under the carpet as you do... Incredibly, my husband went to see a psychologist for a while, I on the other hand saw no-one. It was partially my choice, but I was not encouraged to by anybody.