Soulgirl

Ramblings

Today I have been so overwhelmingly sad that I cannot eat. Right now my family is sitting at the dinner table eating while I type this in the next room. I have been awake for about 3 hours in another hour or so I will be so tired that I fall asleep for another 3 hours of fit full restless sleep where I am taunted by demons with knives offering me escape. I will wake again and roll over trying not to pick up my knife and stab it into my left wrist. Tears roll down my cheeks all the time. I have cried enough to refill the dams in Perth ten times over.

I am finding it increasingly harder to go to work because they keep giving me long shifts, which I cannot complete. I also have to pretend to be happy and cheerful all bloody day and when a customer starts telling me about their hard day while I make them a decaf soy latte I have to smile and say "oh how terrible." When I really want to say "yeah? try being diabetic and having depression, schizophrenia and OCD, try having been on so many anti depressant medication with no effect that even your doctor has said he doesn't know what to do anymore. Then you can come back and bitch to me about how bad your day is!"

I retire to my bedroom and turn music up loud enough for the people in the street to hear it. I draw and write poems and stories. Nothing that ends with happiness, war, depression and anger are my specialities. I don't show my parents because when I was 15 mum banned me from writing until I could write something happy. I don't speak to them either because they have an ability to dismiss any mental illness as imperfection and criticise me for it.

But my sadness is so huge that I can no longer hold it in. The things said inside my head so confusing I can't keep them to my self. If the doctors can't help me then how can I help my self?

I feel so hopeless, lost, frightened and confused. I am running in circles chasing my tail but everyone is sitting back pondering the predicament and no one can say 'yes this is how you stop'. So what options do I have left? What else is there to do? I can only think of one thing. The darkness is so comforting.