Sacredrose

Cut

To cut is to punish myself. Hatred swirls in my belly, I have visions of slashing myself, I sit with a knife cut my arms, stomach, legs, I crouch in a ball and pull my hair and punch my face and head, I bang my head against the wall, I punch the walls, and I pinch myself. I smash and throws things all in a rage against myself, I binge and I purge, making myself sick because I believe that I am fat and ugly.

I drink to become numb in my thoughts, trying to shut out things, making me stone but in the end it just makes me worse and I get more intense feelings. I hate myself with a passion.

I have thoughts, plans of dying, gassing myself, jumping off a cliff, taking a swig of pills, slitting my wrists open or falling into a deep sleep and never waking up. I feel confused, afraid, and afraid of living. I don't believe I deserve to be happy, I wish I wasn't born. I cry my self to sleep; I wander around feeling hatred and anger. My thoughts sicken me, I hate me. I try and write my feelings down like I am doing now but sometimes that makes me worse, more anxious more angry.

I am spooked wherever I go, I have cut myself off from the world somewhat and curled into a ball trying to protect myself. I live in constant fear that the demons will taunt me in a way that I will shame myself especially if I am in public or at a gathering of some kind. I am anxious because they are always there. I fight them all the time and I am tired so very tired, I have been like this for years worse in times.

I became good at putting on a front for people but inside I am a twisted sick mess. I won't allow myself to be happy, because put simply I don't know how.

It is so hard for me to pick up a phone and say help, I feel I have failed myself, I look at it as being weak, I am so bloody good at feeling I am a failure and weak, a worthless piece of scum. I don't want to be a burden, that is why I hold it in, I take it out on myself I try to deal with it myself, but I am not and besides up until a wee while ago no one cared in the past.

Even though I am seeking help, I feel I don't deserve their care.

I am ashamed.
I am ashamed that I cut my arms, legs and belly.
I am ashamed that I find myself bleeding and bruised from my self harming.
I am ashamed that I have failed to be a good person.
I am ashamed because I fail.
I am ashamed because I am ill.
I am ashamed because I am me.

I sleep (if I do) in a storm of violence and hatred, images circling in my mind, tormenting me even when I am awake. The shadows haunting my every turn. Screaming, howling, ripping into my soul. The eyes are everywhere, watching and following, and each step I take the stares are embedded right there, screeching into my mind.

I wake also into a storm of violence and hatred, demons chasing and taunting my every move, laughing, killing my soul. I constantly look over my shoulder thinking and believing something is there, I feel presences all around me pulling and scratching at me. I hear noises day and night, no matter where I go or what I do, I feel them. I am spooked. I am spinning, around and around I go, falling, stumbling, and scrambling to get back up, to no avail. I come to crossroads, but each road is a dead end.

I am without my protective shell; I am standing here with my soul exposed to the harsh horrid world. Like a snail losing it's shell it becomes extremely vulnerable against life, I am that creature. Cold, hungry for acceptance, for forgiveness, for love and respect. And for life.

My face stings from the tears that fall, my heart aches for the hurt and terror I try so hard to beat. A never-ending tale, which keeps on rearing its ugly head and gets me every time. A lonely story of anguish and complete and utter horror.

I try and reach down and strangle those bloody demons because if I don't I AM as good as dead. My emotions freeze, go stone, hard but cracked. My wall is being chipped at, will I win? Or will I die in my world of total destruction?

I am angry so violently angry, my aggression has grown, I don't want to hurt anyone. I am evil. I feel so out of control, scared of what I might do if I let loose, I am like a waiting time bomb, and ready to explode and totally destroy the tiny bit of dignity I feel I have left. I am a rotting carcass with a spirit which is lost in another world, motionless and alone. Swirling and screaming for the pain to stop and so I punish myself. The hatred is almost unbearable, weighing down on me, I am just barely hanging on. Can I hang on?

I put on a front for people it is so exhausting, trying to hide how I truly feel, even to my husband I hide, I push him away, it is the only way I know how to get through the day. But in the end it is worse because all my anger, terror and pain just builds to a massive climax and I am afraid what will happen when I spring a leak!

I am such a loser, a piece of worthless shit, why on earth did I marry him? He has got a bad deal, he doesn't need me, I feel I have nothing to offer, that I am just a waste of time. Like the saying goes, you have to love yourself before you can love anything else, I feel so terrible, I can't imagine being without him, then on the other hand I sometimes think I should just run away, set him free, for him to lead a "normal" life. I just can't understand why on earth he wants me by his side. He deserves better, not me.

His touch whether it be a hug or simple touch on the hand makes me uncomfortable, how do I tell him what I am afraid of?, how do I explain to him when I fight him off me when I am in a rage it is something else? How do I explain it to myself? Let alone anyone else. I feel I deceived him, no matter how much he says he knew, he didn't, how could he, even I cannot understand myself sometimes. He says he tries to understand but he says he has difficulty, it's foreign to him, it would be so why should he have to go through all this crap.

Although I am terrified of being alone, I think I would rather be that way than see me hurt and destroy someone's life actually I would rather just not be here at all. Then I wouldn't have to answer to anyone, I wouldn't have to try so hard to keep up with my bloody wall, and trying to be "normal". I can't keep it up much longer I am just barely hanging on. I am sorry, for everything. He needs someone who is strong, not weak, someone who is smart, not dumb, someone who is pretty, not ugly, someone who is slim, not fat, someone who is well, not sick. Anyone but me. What can I give anyone? I am just stupid and pathetic.

One word I describe my soul, spirit and heart? Empty, I feel just plain empty. I f'in hate me. So just let me die world, then maybe I will have peace. And the continuous nightmare will finally end. To me the road has ended, to me my spirit is dead. What more can I say?