Don/male/51

I'm 50 this year.

I was adopted when I was a baby, and have no idea who my real birth-parents are. Apart from that I have always felt anxious, lonely and depressed; (mother tells me from at least pre-school).

I have never been able to attract friends, it is always me that has to run around and somehow be useful otherwise I wasn't worth the time, and even then they would never come visit me ever, I was not popular and very skinny from several years of asthma treatments after I nearly died a few times, and could not build up my body because I could not breathe if I started to get too hot or sweaty from exercise. Which was probably just as well anyway, because at my home we always seemed to have this "seen but not heard" regimen which left me with absolutely no communications skills when I meet people face to face and I always feel self-conscious and ugly ( a bit like really fat people must feel) except I can't do anything about it, cos still I can't breath properly.

I am still single, and have never had the experience of someone loving me for me. I have become withdrawn and suicidal but I don't have the guts to do it! I have tried 5 psychs. of varying types and none have been able to help particularly because of the long term effects that have accumulated by my age and from being alone for 50 years without knowing what or who I am.

I have so much love to give and offer but no-one ever seems to notice and I always end-up going home alone at the end of the night... again. Over and over for the last 30 years since I wanted a girlfriend, no-one thinks that I am attractive enough because I am so thin, and probably most women thought I could not supply the healthy seed that natural selection demands from all species on this planet.

I see people have several marriages and lots of single mothers but none of them even give me a sideways look... it feels like you don't exist. And now older teens are laughing at me in the street as they did when I was little and in the playground being bashed-up or teased for being so skinny. I give-up - I don't know why I am so ugly, and unattractive and I don't know why I didn't get a chance to at least try love once.

Maybe I am lucky having never married, but the loneliness of never having anyone love me in that special way is quite an enormous price to pay and becomes almost unbearable at times.