Moonlight

Four years ago I attended a seminar on suicide and picked up a flyer for depressionet - I logged on that same night. For many years I suffered with insomnia, pacing the floor at night trying not to wake up my sleeping family. Finally there was something to do, somewhere to come when the horrors of my illness overwhelmed me.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which is a sub-type of schizophrenia characteristed by both the symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, almost 40 years ago. Depression is an old, familiar foe of mine from my early childhood years.

Prior to attending the seminar I had made a very serious, almost fatal suicide attempt. As a survivor of suicide, a former registered nurse of some thirty five years and studying a Master of Nursing, I felt I might have something to offer those going through the depths of darkness.

I feel though that, over the years I have been a regular on the messageboard, I have received more than I have given. Also I was fortunate to make some very special friends. Previously I had no close friends as I found it difficult to get close to and to trust others. I have learned that dnet is a safe place to come and to share and that there are people who won't hurt me.

Over the past four years and consistently throughout my life, I have been tossed about by the extremes of my illness and, even though many could not possibly understand totally, the people at dnet have accepted me and offered me love and kindness. I don't post often about myself but if ever I do, I am shown such compassion that it overwhelms me.

I believe in any organisation that the example comes from the top - and love comes from the top of dnet - from Leanne and the team who are always there and never judge or ridicule.

This past year or so I have suffered with marked memory loss, fatigue and poor cognition and am not nearly as useful as I once was. But I still feel welcome here, that this is a safe place to speak and be heard or to just listen with no pressure to be anyone other than myself.

I'm almost 59 now and even though at times I exist in a void, there are flashes of memories that I will always cherish. My journey hasn't been an easy one but making the decision to log onto dnet has certainly made it a lot easier.